So much waste. I want the world, I want everything, I want to be that person and maybe I can even make them believe I am. Believe I do manage all this, that I am actually working. But I can't lie mo myself. I am with me all the time. I can't hide. Self-hatred. It's stupid, I know, it's not doing any good, but still it does exist.
Remember when I called it the shadow. A dark black figure following me all around. Sometimes it is right in my way, just behind me whispering softly, next to me letting me know that this spot can't be replaced. And whenever I push it away, it will come back with full force. Stronger and even more destructive. And I'll regret the things that I've done. The things I haven't done.
There is this bed of apathy where I seek the quiet when what I really want is the noisy blur. I can find a home in there, too. Eventually I did a couple of times. But then I wake up the next morning not knowing what to think of it. Whatever was with me is gone now and it left a sour taste. Loneliness tastes way too sour. I want that blur back. I don't give a damn about what comes next I just want it to be. Perhaps that thought scares me even more. And I'll be laughing when I see the reflection. I'll turn around and leave you for a while and I know when I come back you'll cry.
Besides I need to go. Somewhere I can be free although I have a feeling that this freedom holds a great danger for me. Nevertheless I'll wrap myself it its coat. Hoping it will keep me warm instead of choking me and my shadow.